Kindness From Peers Can Ease The Pressure Teens Feel To Be Perfect, Study Finds

A significant number of teenagers feel pressure to hide their mistakes or perceived flaws in order to fit in, but projecting a perfect front often backfires and increases the likelihood of bullying, and new research shows kindness from peers can help.

A new study from researchers at Brock University shows kindness and support from peers can help teens reduce the perfectionistic tendencies that cause them so much stress. The study, published in the Journal of Applied Developmental Psychology, followed 239 adolescents between the ages of 13 and 19 years between October 2017 and November 2021.

“When young perfectionists experience kindness and acceptance from their peers, it can help them let go of that constant pressure to be perfect,” says Associate Professor of Child and Youth Studies Danielle Sirianni Molnar, who led the study.

“If youre a parent, teacher or friend, one of the best things you can do for a perfectionist is to show them that theyre valued for who they are, not just for what they accomplish,” says the Canada Research Chair in Adjustment and Well-Being in Children and Youth.

Jon Harris, a communications and public relations professional not involved with the study but known for sharing inspirational quotes on social media, agrees that kindness can be a powerful bridge between people.

“Kindness is a bridge — strong enough to lift someone in their darkest moment and wide enough to bring us closer together. In a world that can be unpredictable, choosing kindness is the one thing always within our control,” Harris said.

According to the researchers, “perfectionistic self-presentation” occurs when someone projects the best parts of themselves and covers up any mistakes or flaws, and Sirianni Molnar says some 25 to 30 percent of youth are highly perfectionistic, and that percentage is rising. Adolescent perfectionists are often stressed over their need to be “the best” as a method of staving off feeling worthless.

“Young people often adopt perfectionistic self-presentation tendencies as a way to put their best foot forward and create connections with others,” said lead author and Child and Youth Studies PhD student Melissa Blackburn. She noted that the strategy often backfires. however, leaving perfectionistic youth feeling isolated from their peers.

“This may be particularly harmful for teenagers, given that acceptance from peers plays a key role in their developing sense of self,” Blackburn said.

When perfectionistic teens are bullied or deprived of positive social interactions, that can further fuel their perfectionism, causing them to hide their true selves even more.

“The research also shows that when adolescents experience more kindness and positive acts from their peers, theyre more likely to relax their efforts to be perfect,” Sirianni Molnar said. “This suggests that supportive and positive peer relationships can help teenagers break free from the pressure of perfectionism and lead to more authentic, meaningful friendships.”

Conversely, teens with lower levels of perfectionistic self-presentation experienced more pro-social acts including kindness and care from peers, attempts by peers to cheer them up and receiving help from peers when needed.

“Kindness is a gift that costs nothing but has the power to change everything,” Harris says. “In lifting others, we rise; in giving, we grow; and in choosing compassion, we create a world worth living in.”